my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

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Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.


In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.


If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.


If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.


“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man


Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.


Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands


Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music