@Tobi_Is_Fab

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

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@Goldishocks

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

@kipconlon

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

@Shariv67

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

@Jake_Vig

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

@EJGomez

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

@Gupton68

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music