My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
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My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …