@Manda_like_wine

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

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@LostFelicia

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

@Marlebean

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

@KingRainhead

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

@ShaeAaron

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

@Darlainky

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

@bewgtweets

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

@mshaf2

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

@junejuly12

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.