My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

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Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.


‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.


date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss


I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.


A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.


Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?


I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.


It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.