My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
#StillHurts
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.