my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.