My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
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*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Confused owl: What?!
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments