My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine