My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
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[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me