My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.