My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
You Might Also Like
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!