My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
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My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My birthstone is kidney
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.