My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
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“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*