My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
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I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me