My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
You Might Also Like
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses