Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LostFelicia

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

@Elizasoul80

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

@BobTheSuit

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

@upsidedowntrash

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

@TheAlexP

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

@TheAlexNevil

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

@TheCiscoKidder

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

@oneawkwardmom

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

@joeljeffrey

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

@OBiiieeee

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*