My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie


Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.


Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?



The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10


The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.


I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.


I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.


Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.


Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.


“Are you sexually active?”
“Any drug use?”
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*