My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
japanese corn
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
at ease…shoulder.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.