My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
You Might Also Like
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Follow me for more life hacks.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.