my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
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Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
This meal prepping shit easy
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.