My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
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don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Every work meeting this week
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.