*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
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Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha