-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
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would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Goodnight 🐶
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.