My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
You Might Also Like
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
May never get over this
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.