My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
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7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I just stopped by to water my horse.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…