My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
You Might Also Like
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?