My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
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*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.