My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
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Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!