My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
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Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.