my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.