my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

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Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.


Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.


I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.


I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.



Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.


*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*


Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right


When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework


Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101


Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder