Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Me: I’m a monger
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
When you’ve simply given up.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*
This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.