my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Only Americans understand
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.