@XennDad

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

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@trevso_electric

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

@WheelTod

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

@GregHenchman

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

@KrangTNelson

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

@Triballistix

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

@MatCro

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

@ristolable

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.