My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
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[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
…..pretty much.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.