Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.