My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
You Might Also Like
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”