My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
You Might Also Like
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao