My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
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Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook