My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
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Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Optional boss fight.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason