My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.