My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.