My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what