My circle of trust is a meatball
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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2