My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
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Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Lucky for them, they’re cute