My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
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Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
S M O L
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.