My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
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I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Perfect
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening