My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
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Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n