My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
You Might Also Like
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Put a ring on it
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.