My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
This hospital has everything
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
they finally got him. they got macavity
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.