My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
This is me
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*