[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
#dnd #ttrpg
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.