My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
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I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?