My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.