My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
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kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs