My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
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I think my mom just blocked me
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok